Emily's Healing Wisdom

Manifesting

I know the power of manifesting works. I had a mind-blowing experience with
my current job. When I decided to look for a new job in Oct, I put on my
calendar that Dec 8th I would be offered a new job and even took that day
off work. I made a list of what I wanted in a job. After posting on career
website, I quickly got a call from HR of a major company. A few days later,
I had a phone interview. The phone interview went so well, I thought this
was it. The hiring manager emailed me a few weeks later saying he would be
in town on Dec 8th. Yes, I met with him and was offered the job that day.
Today, I love my work. It’s everything I put on my list and more. A friend
followed my technique and her dream job found her. It happens if you
believe in it.

Over the past couple of months I haven’t felt connected to divine source.
The fullness of love that was so overflowing and encompassing was absent
though I knew it was near. I hadn’t given up. Anger and pain suppressed
it and as soon as I worked through these emotions, love resurfaced. I don’t
say love returned because I believe it never left. Today I felt my higher
power again. It’s a feeling that takes my breath away and cannot be
contained. I cried in gratitude.

Feeling a shift in mood…  coming out of the dark place that is grief and pain. I believe God has opened my heart to allow forgiveness and healing.

Watched movie last night “Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.” That scene struck an emotion, really lots of emotion, where Mr Black talks about his father before his death: he sent letters to cousins and everyone but him.  He hoped for an apology or an “I love you” but to no avail. That’s me.

I’m not in a forgiving place with my father. He was a horrible man who’s only concern was himself to an extreme: a narcissist by mental health guidelines. His last actions were cruel and without conscience. I hope he suffers in whatever dimension he’s in. The level of malice and coldness he placed upon me breaks my heart. 

On the flip side, a shaman friend said my wish of suffering upon him holds him in that place. I don’t want that responsibility. Whether it’s true or not, he clearly suffered in his earthly life. He did not get to experience love that comes from the connection with divine source (God). His futile attempts to fill the void with things was a symptom that persisted to his death.

I am not like him, but to hold this thought of revenge was something he would have done. I’m a little closer to forgiveness but not there yet.

Vulnerability

I’m usually strong, courageous, and willing to open up my thoughts and life to others. Lately I haven’t been willing to write, tweet, or blog about my feelings. Realized I’m feeling vulnerable which is not a place I like to be. Have been focused on self-preservation. But being vulnerable is the strong, courageous path. Yippee, another issue to work through. :(

No reaction

Went to my father’s grave site. I didn’t feel anything: no anger, no grief. I felt like he was an imposter pretending to be my father. I’m sure more grief and pain will come but for the time being, I’m at peace.

Forgiveness

In the past when I needed to forgive someone, a friend recommended I hold onto a positive thought or memory about that person. I did so. One happy memory became two, then three, etc. I was eventually able to forgive that person and have compassion for them. I’m back in the same place where I am focusing on a time when my father was loving and we had a close relationship. If anything, it brings me peace.

I was listening to Caroline Myss on transcending trauma.  My father was terribly damaged and it only worsened with age. I can’t wrap my mind around his actions and recent events. I will never be able to rationalize it so I have to let go of the why. This can only be healed with my heart.

I am saddened that no one in my father’s family has called me about his death. At least a family friend called. My father was so vengeful and self-righteous, a tormented soul. I did everything right though he couldn’t handle it. I suspect in the end he drove himself insane instead of dealing with the truth. I’m not going to the funeral. Funerals are for the living and there’s nothing there for me. I’ll find another way to have closure.